This past Saturday, I went to an apron gala at the North Market in Columbus. It’s for some charity that I cannot remember, but basically you wear an apron and eat all this delicious free food and drink all you want at the open bar…well, it wasn’t really free because you had to buy a $75 ticket to attend, but it went to charity so it’s fine. Endless food and drink? Just my kind of place! I figured, if I were wearing an apron, I was gonna go for the entire 1950’s housewife look to find a sexy corporate potential husband, so I did it all. I wore a candy-striped apron, red lipstick, a pearl necklace and matching bracelet, short black dress, curled hair, full make-up, red lipstick and really high 5-inch sparkly heels. I looked so good, I wanted to be married to myself on the spot! We got there and the location looked really chill and people were wearing jeans and flip flops and I was like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? It wasn’t at all what I expected, it was really casual so people looked at me kinda funny but they were more just trying to understand who I was and why I was so dressed up. As I walked in, this woman goes, “WOW. You are SO ATTRACTIVE!” and I’m like well thank you so much! Meg, who took me asked, “I know men do all the time, but do women usually hit on you?” and I told her yeah…I’m everyone’s type. Lol. Some asshole lady was walking with her husband (turns out he’s an executive at Nationwide) and evil side-eyed me and whispered something. In my mind, I wanted to yell bitcchhhhhhh! But I decided against it…I just let the haters hate.
ANYWAAAYYY, I ate a lot delicious food- Indian, oysters, shrimp, pirogues, goose, waffle sandwiches, sushi, cheese, Italian, and so many things that I can’t remember because I was in a conscious food coma. It was so good, and they were small plates so I got to eat a lot of different things. Additionally, I had several glasses of pinot noir and champagne, and unfortunately I tried a glass of chardonnay which I personally hated but it was okay because I chased it with more red wine. I was full, and feeling slightly buzzed. Perfect.
Remember, how I was supposed to find my potential corporate husband? There were so many tall and really cute guys. So I gave them my seductive side eye, which draws in the guys in. But somehow it wasn’t working. And I thought, come on…it ALWAYS works! (The seductive side eye has a 99.9975% success/return rate) Something was strange about these guys- they were tall, well-dressed, good-looking, but only talking to each other in groups of threes or so. Additionally, I caught one in the group pointing at my sparkly heels and saying something while they all nodded. Of course! They were gay. SO SAD! They were perfect except for our conflict of interest- I like boys…and so do they. WOMP. You could tell every straight man in the room because he was dragged there by his wife/girlfriend and they were walking around together. Once I came to this realization, I decided to change out of my heels and stuff my face further as well as drown my sorrows in another glass of pinot noir. The husband mission was not going to work out as I had expected. I was standing around and this gay guy basically falls on me and goes “WOOOHH! Girrrrllllll you are so beautiful!” and his also gay friend/partner(?) who is walking behind me, looks around at the like 5 women standing around me and points and me and says “SHE is GORGEOUS” and I was like “Aww thank you guys so much!” The gays love me. And I love them. They’re my perfect men that like men, are sometimes bitchy (only because they’re honest), stylish, good bodies, great taste and way too many awesome things to list. GAYS ARE FABULOUS.
The first time Maggie ever invited me to visit her home in Ohio, I thought “What the hell is there to do there?” It’s like the perception of Africa where it’s all people living in the jungle in huts, with wild animals as pets hanging out. I thought it was a bunch of country people chillin on their farms with plenty of crops. Turns out (as is the case with most of these misconceptions) that I was wrong. The first night I was there, we went out and chilled at this really cool bar named Cantina and had a good time with two of her REALLY HOT friends from high school. The next day, we were “taking it easy” so we went out again and we both found cuties that we spent the night hanging out with. SUCCESS. At the end of that trip, I had to extend a personal apology for hating on her homeland when it turned out to be a great time. It was so much fun, that this time around, it took me about half a milli-second between when she asked me if I wanted to come home with her again for me to respond yes. But I wouldn’t be satisfied until she took me to the cornfield. I wasn’t going to fall for her distraction with hot boys and bars. So, in the middle of a town called Dublin, which is very much in the city, there is a random-as-fuck field of corn. The catch is, it’s not REAL corn. I know, you’re thinking, “how in the hell does that make any sense” but the answer is that it doesn’t. It’s a replica of rows of corn, strategically placed next to this huge and really important building. They are really tall (way taller than me, they’re life-sized mutant cobs of corn) made of stone (large pebbles to be precise, so don’t go there trying to eat them because the only thing you’ll have left are your gums and you’ll have to be wearing dentures way before you should need them). It’s really a phenomenon. The person who came up with it must have been really high and on acid. Or at least I hope so, because that would explain a lot. I would much rather like to believe that they were made by aliens, because no human being in their right mind should think to design such a thing on purpose. Either way, I had a good time running through them and doing inappropriate things/poses to them as cars with little children drove by. They looked at me funny. I told them they’re welcome.
